In the zone

Thinking back to my last group session of hypnosis, things were a bit different. I remember noticing the usual bright halo that appears around my hypnotist's head while I'm under, but something was different. Granted, I was in a new room altogether, but something else was different about the feeling - nothing bad, just different. She told us that she was going to go deeper into our subconscious this time, give us more knowledge and strength to empower us on this journey. She described the plan a bit differently, making sense of some of the things I didn't quite get the first time around, particularly how to "get off" the program. I hadn't worried about that too much, as I have a ways to go before that becomes an issue. But, her explanations made more sense this time around. I got it. I understood some of the reasons why we do this program the way we do a bit more.

But the biggest difference was the feeling of a rush in my head when her eyes locked with mine. On one "spin around the room" while she was connecting with our subconscious minds, I heard her tell a woman to "shake it off" - some folks get incredibly sleepy when she's "in" their minds. When she hit me, at least I assume it is when she got to me, I felt this incredible rush in my head. I became hyper-focused on her and everything else literally faded away. My vision blurred, my head felt heavy and for what couldn't have been more than a second - she was talking the whole time and I could follow her words, less than a few words were spoken while this happened - I was ... I don't even know how to describe it, in the zone I guess. She said the hypnosis would be stronger this time, and I'm thinking it was.

Inconveniences on the road

I recently spent two days traveling to Washington, DC and back to Massachusetts to help my sister move into her new place. I didn't realize just how inconvenient this diet was until I was without a kitchen and fridge for a few days. Without endless freezer packs that never get cold, I was left with beef jerky to snack on (and a few slim jims - not great options, but will do in a pinch). So, I downed my latte (no sugar) and water and hoped for the best.

We drove through the night to avoid traffic, and other than two coffees/lattes, I was fine. It wasn't until about 10:30 the next morning that my stomach started to rumble. I was faced with options like ramen and canned soups, two things I cannot eat on this diet lo-carb, lo-sugar diet. Not the healthiest option, but I settled for fast food that everyone else wanted and ate a burger without the bun. I needed something more substantial than a salad while working.

Yes, in hindsight I could have gone to the grocery store and bought what I needed, but in moments of frenzied activity, with exhausted and frustrated family members, mountains of boxes and no unpacked kitchen supplies, convenience trumps all. You make do with what you have. Next time, I'll have to come up with a few other alternatives to fast food, coffee and beef jerky.

Back on Track

It has been a few months since I've written, because I haven't done much in the past few months. After my trip to Philly in March where I completed my first 5K and indulged in carbs for the first time in 8 months, I found myself feeling better than I had in months. After a week off my strict diet, my dizzy spells were gone, my lightheaded feelings disappeared and my weakness disappeared. So, consults with my doctor and hypnotist, I stopped the diet and concentrated on exercise.

Turns out, left to my own devices, I suck at dieting. I went nuts eating everything under the sun. Thirty years of bad habits resurfaced with a vengeance. And so did several pounds that I had lost. My once loose size 18s were starting to get snug.

So, back to the hypnotist I went.

Möbius

I've always been fascinated by languages that use symbols. No, I've never studied or learned them, but they do intrigue me. The idea of an image that conveys a word, an emotion ... this form of communication clicks with me. As a visual learner, someone who needs to see something to understand it, communicating with symbols makes sense to me.

My father introduced me to symbols as meaning when I was a child. I'm not sure if that was his intention, but he is the one who began my interest in symbols. Dad used to "do the Möbius" with me and my sister when we were young. The Möbius, which many people mistakenly assume is the infinity sign, is essentially a one-sided object; a 2 dimensional sheet with only one surface that exists in a 3-dimensional world. That's breaking all the rules if you ask me.

When you create a Möbius using a strip of paper, you can trace a line across the entire strip and land back at the starting point without ever picking up your pen. If you cut a Möbius strip in half, you will have one larger Möbius. Cut it in half again, two interlocked Möbius strips appear. There is a whole mathematical theory that goes along with the Möbius. If the Möbius was free-floating, one could essentially walk on it in a never-ending loop. Once you're on it, there is no beginning and no ending.

One of my favorite artists, M.C. Escher, studied the Möbius, making several variations of it. He is well known for his  woodcuts, Möbius Strip I and Möbius Strip II. Take away the ants, and Möbius Strip II is my favorite. I love the precise grid-like design of the Möbius, and the image itself reminds me of childhood. I love things that carry emotional attachments.

Taking risks

Last night, my sister and I attended a "cabaret" at our high school. The event was to raise money for the arts program and honor our former theater teacher. I saw former classmates and was reminded of my time in school, and the missed opportunities. I was shy, afraid of doing something wrong, afraid of straying from my group of friends for fear that I'd miss something or be made fun of for doing something different. I envied those students who were in the theater and our acting troupe, but I was too shy and afraid to branch out and try something new.

I took more risks in college, but never really pushed myself to my limits. I tested my skills in studio art by dabbling in drawing and printmaking classes and experimenting in studio art classes, trying my hand at sculpture and painting. But, I never went to that next level of mastery in the artistic areas that challenged me. Instead, I stuck with the artistic areas that came easier to me, like graphic design. I signed on with the student newspaper and delved into the layout of the paper.

In the past few years, I have been dabbling in photography and really enjoying that art form. I've even been considering photography school, have been for about three years now. I have to admit, I'm contemplating a change.

Do something that scares you every day

About two weeks ago, a friend told me to do something that scares me every day. We had been talking about how I haven't taken enough risks in my life, haven't stepped out of my comfort zone often enough. I worry about the "right" thing to do, if I'll upset someone, how my actions will affect others. In the end, I often choose the safe route and avoid anything that may bring attention to me.

Her words, as simple as they were, stuck with me. I'm too comfortable with my status quo. I yearn for something bigger and better, but I don't go after it for fear of failure and rejection. Be it career, social life, dating, even hobbies ... if I can't guarantee that I'm going to do extremely well, I don't want to do it. Too risky.

Last week, I took the plunge and did something scary. I submitted an entry for a logo design contest. It was exciting and terrifying at the same time. My skills are strong in certain aspects of design, but weak in others. So, I'm working with my strengths, pushing myself in the weaker areas and trying my best.

My first design submission was for a contest to design a logo for a perfume company. My attempt, according to the contest holder, was too fun and casual. They wanted more luxury and upscale.

So, I moved on to another contest to design a logo for a frog breeding farm. I wasn't sure how to create a frog in Illustrator, so I went for a lily pad design instead. I submitted a few different lily pad designs, as well as two more abstract takes on the logo. The feedback I received from the contest holder was great; he was impressed that I went outside the box and came up with the lily pad. He even commented that he was surprised no one else had thought of it. And, one of my lily pad designs  earned 3 out of 5 stars. He wanted me to try and add a frog to the lily pad though, so I spent hours with my computer screen divided between a tutorial on drawing a frog and Illustrator. Hours later, I had a decent frog, a bit more cartoon-like than I would have preferred, but I felt good about at least creating a graphic that actually looked like a frog. In the end, I didn't make the cut into the next round of judging, but it was a great experience, and receiving positive feedback was a major help.

Since the frog and perfume logos, I have entered two other contests. I've submitted several design options to each, and am working on more designs still. Unfortunately, not all contest holders are as good as the ones from my first two, with some people not leaving any feedback. Which means, I never know why my designs were eliminated. On the other hand, I received a 4 out of 5 star rating on one of my designs this week. That's very encouraging! I'm hoping to make it to the second round in that contest.

It's scary to put my work out there and be judged. I'm not as refined and skilled as some of the designers I'm up against, but I'm perfecting my skills daily. Some day, I'll be a top contender.

Hello 10,000

After about a year of retirement, I have dusted off my trusty pedometer, replaced the dead battery (the real reason it was retired in the first place - who has time to go find a small round battery and a screw driver?) and started tracking my steps once again. Some days, I just don't get enough exercise, plain and simple. Gym days, absolutely, I'm golden on my miles and exercise quota for the day. But those non-gym days? I seriously need a kick in the butt to get moving more often and more regularly.

So, I'm tracking my steps again. Just being aware of how much (or how little) I move, makes me contemplate ways to up my number of steps. Instead of cutting across the field at school, I'll take the longer walk way. Instead of calling someone, walk to their office. Little things add up and I'm aware of how my decisions affect my activity for the day. Plus, if I'm seriously behind in the daily 10,000 steps goal come dinner time, I know to skip out for a quick walk or even just walk in place while I watch one of my shows. Every little bit helps. This will help me keep my body moving, that way even if I don't go out on one of my long walks, I move around enough.

Starting out, Friday was an awesome day, logging 15,000 steps. A bit of a departure from my normal routine, I was in NYC for the day. I was worried that I wouldn't log many steps because I would be in a car, bus or cab for approximately 12 hours that day. But, I managed to do quite a bit of walking. Instead of immediately grabbing a cab, since I had some extra time before my appointment, I walked in the direction of where I was heading. Once I made it into Brooklyn, I walked around to find the place I needed to go, and then checked out the local area, shops, places to eat, etc. The real chunk of my steps that day came after my appointment. I would say half of the 15,000 steps came from walking around Brooklyn attempting to find a cab back to Manhattan. I had to laugh when I realized that the episode of "Sex and the City" in which Samantha discovers that even cabs don't go to Brooklyn was pretty much true. 

Thanks, Brooklyn. You helped me log some major steps!

Swallowing the Brown Rice Loaf

When I stopped following my strict meat and veggies diet about a month ago, I started feeling different. My headaches and dizziness were subsiding, but my body wasn't feeling right. After chatting with a few people, I started to wonder if perhaps my body cannot handle the sugar and carbs properly. I'm still researching this, gluten intolerance being one of my focuses in particular. But, I've decided to run some preliminary tests on my own, just for fun. Don't worry, I'm going to speak with a doctor about this too.

I purchased some gluten free foods as a starting point in my tests. Last night, I was craving a turkey sandwich. We had chicken, so I went for that and made myself a sandwich using Brown Rice Loaf purchased at my local fruit market. At $6 for a small loaf, I had extremely high expectations. Was I in for a major surprise when I could barely get the stuff down. Dry and gritty, this wasn't bread- or cake-like. This was stale bread mixed with majorly dry corn bread, complete with a crumbly texture. My dog even had trouble swallowing the loaf. The fact that it's called "loaf" should have been my first clue to be suspicious.

If I am, in fact, gluten intolerant or something like that, this will be interesting to say the least. I need some suggestions on truly good gluten-free foods.

Inspiration in a cemetery

The past few weeks, I have been battling a respiratory infection which has caused me to significantly cut back on my exercise. OK, I've pretty much stopped exercising. This illness came on just a couple weeks after my doctors told me to end my low-carb diet and introduce carbs back into my meals. Coincidence? I think not, but that's another blog. Any way, this sitting around resting, blowing my nose and coughing, combined with new carbs equals slightly tighter pants. Disappointing. I was getting a bit down on myself, to be honest.

But then this morning, I joined a group of students at the school where I work on an excursion downtown. Our founder's birthday is today, and to celebrate, we visited several historical sites in town to learn some history. The students were broken into three groups, and it was my goal to rotate between the three of them to photograph each group at a different location. I walked with the first group up to the historical building, up a small hill. Save for the need to stop once inside and cough a bit, I didn't think twice about the walk to the site.

Once that talk concluded, I headed off for the furthest location of the excursion to meet a different group. Down the street I went, around a corner, up a slightly bigger hill, up some stairs around the back, find an open door, down a flight of stairs to the lower level to find the group. I was slightly winded, but once I stopped moving, my breath returned to normal. Up a set of stairs, pause for a quick talk and some photographs, up another set of stairs, pause for a quick stop and some more shots. Down the stairs and out the back door, I left the second group to join the third group at the final destination, the cemetery where our founder is buried.

As I walked up another hill, around a bend and down a path, I caught a glimpse of the group still underway, so I paused and snapped a few shots from the distance. Standing in the silence of the cemetery in the early morning, the sunshine illuminating the group standing by the gravestone listening to stories about the past, I realized that I was absolutely fine. While that is usually a good thing, it made me think back to the last time I had been at this cemetery two years ago. Just walking from the bus to the gravestone had me extremely winded, sweating and feeling utterly exhausted. Today, I walked from the car, to a destination up the street, including a hill, back down the street even further this time, up another hill, up and down staircases, more hills, and I was, for the most part, completely unfazed by the excursion. I was keeping pace with the group, wasn't overly exerting myself and I hadn't even considered the fact that a year ago, I couldn't have done what I just did.

To know that I had let myself get to the point where I couldn't do the simplest of things, a quick walk through town for example, well, that's sad and rather unfortunate. To know that I have lost out on several years of enjoying the world around me because it was too much work to get out there and move around is a rather depressing thought.

What happened this morning though reminded me that I have come so far, and that I deserve to keep going down the path of success. I need to stay focused in my personal goals, decide what is best for me and my health, and do what I need to do. No more feeling down, just look forward to what will come.

Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired

I was on such a roll there for a while. I went an entire year without being sick, then month 13 hits and it hit my immune system hard. I've been down and out for the count for almost a week now.

It started with a tickle in my throat and my voice started to get deep. It was kinda low and growly, you know ... not too shabby ...

But then it went beyond just a fun vocal change. Next thing I knew, I was an exhausted, mute, space cadet who couldn't breathe. There is nothing fun about a respiratory infection. The worst part was, all I wanted to do was take a puff of my inhaler to help me breathe, but one shot of that made my throat tickle more and sent me into another coughing spell. It was a cruel twist in my situation.

Chicken soup, tea with honey, lots of water, rest and a Z-pak finally have me up and about. I made it through an entire day at work today, catching up on what I missed the past two days and getting things back in order. I'm still fighting the exhaustion though - the end of today was rough to say the least.

Here's to getting myself back on track with diet and exercise now that I'm on the mend. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Lost: My inner incredible

Surviving the holidays has always been a challenge for me. I love carbs and sweets, especially sweet carbs. Being under hypnosis definitely helped me through the major holidays. This time, I was on my own for Easter. I was not perfect by any means, but I did well. I watched my portions, limited my treats and did my best to stay away from temptations. I did indulge, but not did over-indulge.

One thing I have noticed is that my attitude has changed since I broke the hypnosis. I'm not taking things as seriously, not viewing one bite as being problematic. The reality is, one bite IS problematic for me. I need to stop my relaxed attitude and start really making a bigger effort to continue improving my life.

I'm starting to wonder just how much hypnosis helped me in my everyday decisions. The amount of willpower I had was incredible, and now left to my own devices, I am far from incredible.

My mission, discover my incredible inner strength once again.

Explain this to me ...

I realized the other day one major reason why certain diet and exercise plans work for me, and others don't. There are, of course, ease of use and convenience factors, but beyond that, it's an explanation. A real one. "Because it works" doesn't cut it for me. I need to know why, I need to see a point other than blind faith and experts said so.

Tell me what happens in my body when I eat certain foods. Tell me why my body reacts to this differently from that. Make me understand, educate me. Then, if I understand and accept the reasoning, the plan should work.

I completely understood my plan under hypnosis, what my goals were and why. Why we had certain tasks, essential foods and no-no foods. I may not have understood WHY the hypnosis part worked exactly, but I understood the why. And, I saw results quickly.

So now what? I'm off hypnosis per the doctor because of my increased exercise, and I'm back into personal training and a clean eating diet. This has been an adjustment after 8 months of no weighing or tracking foods, no reading labels, no carbs at all, no schedule for meals, nothing that tastes sweet.

And I'm realizing that I am not following this plan as closely or seriously as my hypnosis plan, because I don't understand why. I keep hearing the voice of my hypnotist saying, nothing sweet, every time I pick up a protein bar or shake. I remember that we weren't supposed to eat nuts of any kind, but clean eating encourages peanut butter.

So, my goal in the next few days is to research and discover why clean eating works, how it helps my body and see if I can really get myself properly on track with this plan. Feel free to share thoughts and resources on clean eating with me!

Things that weigh 80 pounds

In case you didn't catch my post yesterday, I lost 80 pounds, and I am THRILLED! I'm still going. But, here's a look at things that [may] weigh 80 pounds, so in essence, all the things I have lost.

• 2 four-year-olds
• A large dog
• The World's Largest Ball of Tape (although I read that this record may have been broken and it's now 117 pounds, but I'm going with it)
• Approximately 53 dozen large eggs
• Four tires
• 10-Gallon bottle of water
• A heavy bag for boxing
• Black Rhino Baby
• Rachel Zoe (according to bricksandstonesgossip.com)
• Snooki (according to celebuzz.com)

Any other things that weigh 80 pounds that you can add?

Can I brag for a minute?

I'm sorry, but I just need to stop and brag for a minute. I've lost about 80 pounds in a year, and I think that's awesome! Diet and exercise, who knew? It's a huge feat and an incredible accomplishment. I'm thrilled.

And I'm not done. I still have a ways to go, probably another 80 pounds still to go before I'm at a healthy weight (maybe more, depends on how much muscle I build). But, being half way (or close to half way) to my goal is an awesome feeling.

It wasn't easy. There was NOTHING easy about this. I changed my lifestyle completely.

I changed my diet: No sugar or carbs. I lived on meat, veggies and milk, with Siggi's Yogurt as my one "treat" as long as it was part of a meal with meat. I gave up foods I loved, especially the sugar, man alive do I have a nasty sweet tooth! No birthday cake for me last year though, and that was a first. Slightly disappointing, but I'd rather be healthy than have a cake.

I exercised: Personal training, strength training, cardio. I dragged my butt out of bed at 4:30 in the morning so I could prop myself up on a treadmill or bike at the gym by 5 am. I logged hours at the gym, literally working my butt off. And, I started taking my dog for walks on the beach once the weather started to warm up. I even jogged/walked my first 5K in March 2012, and I wasn't the last one to cross the finish line! I'm moving and shaking.

I got hypnosis: I admitted that I couldn't do this alone and accepted help in many forms, one of which was hypnosis. It helped with willpower and provided clear objectives for accomplishing my goals.

I asked for help: I enlisted my friends and family by telling them what I could and could not eat, so temptations were minimal. And, in moments of weakness, they helped me stay on track. Especially my sister. I think she secretly took pleasure in scolding me when I was tempted to stray.

This has probably been the most challenging project of my life, working to essentially cut my body weight in half. As I type this, moving in my chair to stretch my sore muscles, I think about how far I've come and how proud I am of my accomplishments.

80 pounds gone from my life.

Knee-ding a solution

Monday was my first personal training session after about eight months on my own. I must say, I'm a bit sore. She definitely kicked my butt.

I'm still concerned about my knees though. I stopped personal training last summer because the program they offered at my gym was not truly personal; it was designed to accommodate four women at a time doing essentially the same thing. There were a lot of squats and lunges, things that required using my knees to a large degree in ways that would later trigger a lot of pain.

I had hoped that the 80 pounds I lost would allow me to step back into this program and finish my membership (three months left!), but after day one, I'm not sure this will work. I told my trainer that my knees were an issue, squats and lunges were the biggest culprits for aggravating my knees (I have arthritis and was in a car accident seven years ago). However, she had me try exercises like stair stepping and later, squats. While I could do the exercises without pain at that moment, the pain came later.

Sitting in my car, dripping with sweat, I felt a hot pulsing sensation in my knees. Placing my hands on my knee caps, I felt the heat radiating from them. That can't be good. When I got home, I went to take the three small steps up to my porch and felt that twinge of pain that I used to get after working out. Not a good sign. Later that night, standing up from my chair, I felt that twinge of pain again.

The last thing I want is to damage my knees. I'm just getting healthy and I want to stay that way. I'll be talking with the trainer at my next appointment today. If I keep having trouble with my knees, I may not be able to continue with this kind of personal training program.

Breaking Hypnosis

This past weekend, I wrote about breaking hypnosis. I have, but I'm still in shock. How could I stop doing a program that was working? Well, I was dizzy, tired, weak and unmotivated, and I was apparently not giving my body enough nutrients to survive. My low-carb diet, which had been healthy and helped me lose just over 80 pounds, was no longer cutting it.

But it worked! But, I wasn't feeling well. See, since the beginning of 2012, my exercise increased, working towards 5 miles of walking a day and building up my endurance to run 5K races without walking. I was eating more of the meat and veggies that were part of my low-carb plan, but it turns out my body needed even more. My hypnotist, who also has a background in nutrition, was surprised I was training so hard while on such an intense weight loss program; it was too much for my body to handle at once. My doctors agreed. It's time to reintroduce carbs.

It's scary, and to be honest, I failed at my first week off hypnosis and a low-carb diet. Left to my own devices, I reverted to old habits. But, if I want to keep moving forward, I have to make better decisions and learn how to stay healthy.

So much for my plan to double my efforts and double my losses! In order to stay healthy and safely train, I had to make a change. I made the difficult decision to break hypnosis and change my diet, but I'm also stepping up my training.

Fear of Freedom

In December, I stepped up my exercise to a new level. I was back in the gym three days a week, often more. I was doing the C25K program, working up to running 3.12 miles without stopping. I was walking on the beach on the days I wasn't in the gym, strength training and doing yoga. I was a powerhouse.

And I was miserable. I felt weak and tired. At first I chalked it up to general muscle fatigue and figured my body would catch up. A month went by and nothing. I ate more, within my dietary restrictions, adding more protein to my diet. To my dismay, I didn't feel better. Instead, I was worse. My fatigue and weakness were now coupled with headaches and dizziness. I went to the doctor, but all my tests came back normal. Nothing to worry about.

We talked about my diet and while my doctors (I saw my PCP and some specialists) all were concerned about the lack of carbs, but none of them wanted to tell me to stop what I was doing, because it was obviously working. "Talk to your hypnotist and see what she has to say."

Remember, my hypnotist has a background in nutrition, so this wasn't just any entertainment-style hypnotist. She knows her stuff.

So, a few phone calls later, back and forth with the hypnotist and the doctors, and I am officially off my low-carb diet. The diet I was on from the hypnotist was one that causes stress to the body, any weight loss plan does, actually. So when I coupled the weight loss stress from the diet with the above and beyond exercise stress, my body couldn't take it. My hypnotist wasn't surprised that I was having issues.

It has been almost two weeks since I have been off my strict low-carb diet, and I am struggling. This freedom, this not having to worry about "breaking the hypnosis" has made my attitude more casual. I've noticed that my inclinations to over-indulge aren't the same, I can stop after a few bites now. But, I'm still going for those few bites.

So, I have made arrangements to go back to my gym with the personal training for three months while I train for my 5Ks and 60-mile walk. I will go back to the clean eating diet that I was on before I went low-carb, and I will bust my butt at the gym.

Then, once my walk is over, I have run a few more 5K races and am, hopefully, at a place where I can be more in maintenance mode rather than training mode, I can take my exercise intensity down a few notched for the fall and winter, and go back to hypnosis until I am securely at my goal.

The next three months won't be easy ...

The "look"

When I went for my tune-up in the fall, after stepping off the program for a few weeks, I felt like a little kid who did something she wasn't supposed to do. In my group session, several of us were in the same boat. We had gone astray. Every time, our hypnotist gave us the "look." You know the one, moms are fantastic at giving the "look." Many teachers have mastered the "look." It's that facial expression that says, I'm disappointed in you, you know better, don't make me have to tell you YET again ... don't do it.

I swallowed my pride, accepted my slap on the hand, and vowed to not make the same mistakes again. And I was almost successful. I had one 20-minute moment of weakness in mid-December. Holiday gifts from families at my school got the better of me and I indulged. But, I immediately threw away all the other temptations and got myself back on track, without a tune-up. I stuck with the program and made it through the holidays and into the spring.

Loving and hating change

When I first embarked on my journey towards a healthier life one year ago, almost exactly to the day, I relished the changes that I needed to make in my life, but I also resented them. I had grown accustomed to living a certain lifestyle that was simple, but it was that simple lifestyle that kept me unhealthy, unhappy and on the outside of the world.

At first, my changes were small. I started counting calories, measuring my food. Then, I switched to a clean diet, eating mostly fresh fruits and vegetables, lean proteins and whole grains. I added in protein shakes to go along with a new exercise routine, 30 minutes of strength training and 30 minutes of cardio done three days a week. But I struggled. The weight came off so slowly that I was discouraged and disheartened. At the rate I was going, it would be YEARS before I reached my goal weight. I knew that I could not afford the costs of my personalized gym experience for years; I could barely afford the six-month plan. Needless to say, my credit card was thrilled with my large investment in my health.

Looking at my future, I was scared and frustrated, unsure if I could be successful. In the middle of my doubts in my own abilities, I was also struggling with health issues that were inhibiting my success with exercise. Years of being obese had taken a toll on my knees, not to mention the stress my knees had been under from 20 years of competitive horseback riding and a car accident - I still have scar tissues in my knees from that accident more than six years ago. I was unable to do 75% of the workout offered by my gym, per my doctor's orders. If I couldn't do 75% of the workout, how on earth was I going to get in shape?

That's when I opted for the hypnosis, to change my lifestyle. Starting in June 2011 my eating habits were completely changed, and I went on a low-carb diet, eating mostly fresh meat and vegetables. My exercise habits declined, I will admit that, but I stayed 100% true to my diet and the lifestyle changes my hypnotist required in order for her program to work. I never ate anything that I didn't eat with meat. I always ate more meat than anything else in my meals. I ate certain foods regularly, even though I didn't like them. I didn't weigh myself.

Fast forward to October 2011. I was caught off-guard in a situation where I was lunch-less on a field trip with 30 third graders. My options were raid the vending machine or steal a child's sandwich and eat the meat. I won't lie, I contemplated stealing a sandwich. Instead, I headed to the vending machine and opted for a carb-snack, pretzels. No sugar, I wouldn't allow myself sugar, that's the worst thing I could do while on the hypnosis plan. I felt defeated, but I had no choice. I needed to fuel my body with something before continuing to run after children for the next three hours.

Knowing that I had broken my hypnosis, I made an appointment for a tune-up at the end of the month. Going through the rest of that month was hard, I felt like I couldn't do this on my own, and I found myself straying regularly. First it was a flavored latte, not too bad, but it was sugar. No sugar. Then it was a latte and a scone and a muffin. I'll have pizza today. Beer at the reception. Oh, cookies, haven't had those in a while. A little pasta won't hurt. Why not have some ice cream. Two weeks went by, and my old eating habits had returned. And, I stepped on the scale.

I was happy to see that I was down 56 pounds from my highest weight, but I wasn't as happy as I thought I should have been - I wanted more of a loss. I knew it was my own fault for giving in to temptation.

As much as I wanted change, I also wanted the change to end. I wanted to eat the carbs, enjoy the sugar and not worry about eating meat with everything. But I also knew that doing so would mean a lifetime of being obese. Overindulging regularly was a thing of the past. These changes, love them or hate them, had to be a regular part of my life.

The first steps

It's always difficult to take on a new challenge in life. Change is hard, plain and simple. Adopting new roles and routines isn't easy. Trudging forward through the mud and the muck on the way to the finish line isn't pretty and sometimes, it is downright painful and ugly. But we do it in order to seek accomplishment.

When I crossed the finish line of my first 5K, I felt a wave of accomplishment - and a wave of exhaustion. Knowing that I pushed myself to stay strong through those last final steps and only slow once I knew my feet were well beyond the line was something to be proud of for sure. I finished my race in 47:02, crushing my anticipated 55 minute goal. It doesn't matter that I was among the final finishers of the race (I wasn't last though), what matters is that I finished and I did my best. I pushed myself beyond my limits and accomplished more than I thought I could.

Another challenge I have taken on is the Susan G. Komen 3-Day 60 mile walk. It's an incredible thing to know that you can walk 60 miles in three days. Not just anyone can do that. The biggest challenge for me though is fundraising. In order to complete the walk, I must raise $2,300.

Talking to folks about this event has been frustrating. The lack of excitement and encouragement has been astonishing. There are some words of praise for making the commitment, but more often than not I hear negatives, about the walk, about the fundraising and even about the SGK foundation.

Why would you want to walk 60 miles? 

I would never put myself through that.

That's so far. 

That doesn't sound fun. 

I could never raise $2,300. 

What if you don't raise the money? 

I'm so over the Susan Komen foundation.

I'm tired just thinking about it. 

Isn't there something else you could do?

There's a part of me that is ready to give up, accept that I may never be able to raise $2,300 by the end of July. The truth is, I may not be able to raise the $2,300 I need in order to walk in the 3-Day. I will try, I will work hard and ask for donations, keep my donor page open until the last minute possible.

But what if I don't make it? I'm still going to walk. Even if I can't walk with the SGK 3-Day group, I'll still walk 60 miles in three days, on my own. While one of my goals is to support a good cause, my primary goal is to accomplish an amazing physical feat, something that a year ago I could have never dreamed of doing.

My first 5K - FINISHED!

You may remember that last week I posted saying I was going to compete in my first 5K on St. Patrick's Day. I'm happy to announce that I not only survived the race, I also beat my anticipated time of 55 minutes to finish. I finished in 47:02, and ... I was not the last one to cross the finish line. I wasn't even the last one in my age group to finish! There were only a few people who finished after me, but I'm so proud of my successful endeavor. I think I'm hooked! My next goal is to finish under 45 minutes ... and not come in last place. Some day, I'll be able to run the entire distance non-stop and have a competitive time stamp. Until then, I'm thrilled with simply being able to finish the race and not come in last place!

You're getting a waist!

One of the exciting parts of losing a large amount of weight is seeing the physical transformation. One of my best friends comments to me often about the changes she has seen. "You're getting a shape," she'll say. To which my mind immediately replies, Other than round, you mean ... Her favorite comment is, "I'm sorry that your clothes are too big," when she sees me in my baggy pants and tent-like top that used to be fitted. It's a great feeling to pick up a pair of pants that six months ago I couldn't get past my thighs and discover that they fit, or better yet, are loose. Sweatshirts that used to squeeze my chest and not go past my waist now drape over my body in an extremely unattractive way, but I love it. Proof that I've made a change.

The other night, I was helping my sister work on a project. Her desk is situated near the foot of her bed so I tend to sit there while she sits at the desk. In a moment of exasperation, I flung myself backward, arms over my head. My sweatshirt (that was once too small to even pull on) lifted revealing a few inches of skin on my stomach. "You're getting a waist," my sister said in amazement.

I've always had a waist, obviously, but it was hidden. Well, it's starting to make an appearance, and I'm thrilled. Here's to having a waist!

The magic of a haircut

I began my lifestyle overhaul (diet and exercise) in March of 2011. I began with eating clean and working out three days a week doing 30 minutes of strength training and 30 minutes of cardio each day. I underwent hypnosis in June 2011, changing my diet to essentially a low-carb diet (more complex than that, but easiest way to describe it). I was working hard to change my lifestyle and live a healthier life, and it was working. By July 2011, I was down about 25 pounds.

That summer, I decided to cut off my hair and donate it to Locks of Love. My hair is rather thick, so the stylist actually divided my hair into four small chunks, each one about 13 inches long. This still left me with hair that fell almost to my chin. Once my hair was styled into a new look, it was even shorter. This wasn't the first time I had my hair this short, so I was used to it.

Since July, I have received so many compliments on my hair. Comments I hear often include, "it really brings out your eyes," and "I never really noticed the shape of your face before," or just a simple, "I cannot get over how much a haircut has changed your appearance."

Well, ladies and gentleman, I appreciate the compliments, but it's not just the work of a haircut. It's the magic of losing somewhere around 100 pounds. Yes, 100 pounds.

I don't actually weigh myself, it's part of my hypnosis program - no scales. While I don't know my exact weight, I have my sister track my weight to make sure I'm moving in the right direction. I get a thumbs up if I'm doing well. Unless she's lying to me, we've never had a need for anything other than a thumbs up, so I'm not sure what she'd do if I wasn't making progress. Based on the weight loss I experienced at the beginning of my journey when I didn't listen to my hypnotist and stepped on a scale, I estimate my weight loss to be somewhere between 90 and 110 pounds, so I'll settle for the nice round number of 100.

Regardless, I've gone from a size 26/28 to a loose size 18. I can even wear XL clothes from the regular section of the store, depending on the style. Not all XL sizes fit, but some do and that's exciting. To drop that many sizes means a significant weight loss, and that's why my face looks dramatically different.

So, my response to the compliments of the haircut are as follows:

"It really brings out your eyes." - This is because my face is thinner and my eyes are no longer hidden by fat cheeks, especially when I smile.

"I never really noticed the shape of your face before." - That's because the shape was round and pudgy. I finally have a chin and cheekbones again!

"I cannot get over how much a haircut has changed your appearance." - It hasn't. My haircut isn't magical. My appearance has changed because I have changed. There is much less of me now than there was a year ago.

What do I actually need?

The last month, I haven't been feeling the greatest. I've been having frequent headaches, general feelings of fatigue and weakness in my muscles. Not aches, just weak, like I cannot push myself as hard as I was earlier this winter. At first I thought it was a bug or just a phase, but more than a month of this has had me worried.

A similar feeling of fatigue and weakness came over me in the early summer when I was about two months into my program. I happened to be scheduled for a tune-up, and asked my hypnotist, who actually has a strong background in nutrition. She said my symptoms were necessarily unusual on a diet like this, but to give her a few minutes to think about my situation. About 10 minutes later her eyes connected with mine in the group session and she said she had a solution. We aren't supposed to eat sweet fruits, but she said that every time she came by my mind (remember, she's a mentalist who connects with our subconscious) she smelled bananas. She suggested that I eat half a banana and some form of animal protein about 30-60 minutes before a heavy workout and that should help. It made total sense to me, because before I started her program, I was on a clean eating program and often ate a half a banana before exercising, usually with peanut butter instead of animal protein, but close enough. Making this small adjustment in my diet actually helped for quite a while.

But now, my issues have come back and are even worse. Rather than traveling the nearly 100 miles to my hypnotist, I decided to start with my doctor. Unfortunately, this trip to my doctor was less than helpful. The older gentleman who saw me, not my regular doctor, couldn't access my records because he doesn't use computers and couldn't tell the difference between writing on paper and attempting to writing on the plastic sleeve which contained said paper. He may be brilliant in terms of medicine, but I was concerned. He did, however, run a complete blood work up on me, which came back normal according to his note and the office. Except there was one thyroid test that was flagged as being low. Perhaps it wasn't drastically low, but still, shouldn't we explore further?

Needless to say, I'm looking elsewhere for guidance in terms of my health. Several people have commented that perhaps my diet of meat and vegetables isn't cutting it now that I have significantly upped my levels of exercise. Perhaps, but I'm not ready to give up on this plan that has helped me lose somewhere around 100 pounds in less than a year just yet. I need advice from seasoned professionals who can guide me, help me come up with a plan that won't derail my success thus far.

Do I really need to eat more sugars and carbs? I get sugars from non-sweet fruits like lemons, limes, tomatoes and veggies like corn and butternut squash. I even still eat my banana and protein before working out. I get carbs from the veggies, as well as other nutrients. It's amazing to learn just how many nutrients we can receive simply from veggies. I consume fresh meats ranging from beef and pork to chicken and turkey, and sometimes fish. I'm not eating an unhealthy diet by any means, and I'm not limiting my foods. I don't weigh them, count calories or fat grams, I just eat when I'm hungry and eat until I'm satisfied, but don't go overboard. I even eat a specific type of yogurt for additional protein, and drink lots of milk every day. I even have an unsweetened non-fat latte once in a while. I try to have corn or squash every day, as well as the juice from a whole lemon or lime in my water.

Since no one in my doctor's office has been able to guide me in my dietary needs, I'm in search of a nutritionist to see how I can alter my current diet to feed my body what it needs. And, I'm planning to return to the hypnotist in a couple weeks for her advice. We shall see what happens.

Tune Ups and Staying on Track

This past winter, I succumbed to temptation and stepped off my hypnosis diet program. I ate carbs and sugar, sometimes together - the worst combination possible according to my hypnotist. When I went back for my tune-up, I knew she was not happy with my slip-up. Yes, we are human, but when your slip-up happens for a month, that's pushing it. I pushed it.

Since my last tune-up in November, I have stayed 97% on track with the program. I have deducted 2% for a 20-minute slip-up in December when I indulged in some holiday chocolate given to me as a gift. Realizing that I didn't get the same joy and euphoria that I used to from the chocolate, I had even greater resolve to return to my program and stick with it. And I did. The final 1% comes from the "unknowns" and the compromises I have had to make. For example, out at dinner, I ask for seltzer water with lime but I'm not sure that's what I was given. It's amazing how many people don't acknowledge the difference between seltzer water, tonic water and club soda. Or, I'm at a work event and the dinner is breaded fish. So, I scrape off the breading, but I'm sure I've missed some of it. Not 100% perfect, but still on the right track.

One thing we were told in our hypnosis sessions is that if you step off the program while on vacation, it's less detrimental than stepping off in every day life. Well, I have a vacation coming up to visit my college roommate. I know there will be ample opportunities for me to step off, indulge in a few forbidden foods and drinks. But can I do it?

My first 5K

Since I made the decision to change my life a year ago, a lot has happened. I eat healthy, exercise regularly and challenge myself in ways I never imagined.

This winter, I made the commitment to complete the Susan G. Komen 3-Day 60 mile walk, and have been slowly increasing the miles I can tackle at one time. A year ago, completing one single mile was a challenge. Today, I'm walk-jogging 4 miles and more. I'm still a ways from being able to walk 60 miles in three days, but I have 20 more weeks to train. I can do this.

A mini-milestone in my journey will hopefully come this weekend when I complete my first 5K. Note, I said complete my first 5K, not RUN my first 5K. I'm completely realistic in my goal, aiming to finish the race in under 60 minutes. I know that many people aim for times closer to 30 minutes for a 5K, but I'm not there. Regardless of how long it takes me, I am committed to finishing the race.

Wish me luck!

Hypnosis

People always ask me about my hypnosis. What was it like? Were you awake? How do you know you don't have weird suggestions like cluck like a chicken whenever you hear the word WATER?

One thing I'll say, is that for programs like this one to work, it's important for the participant to not know everything they will experience. Your mind needs to interpret the information itself and make its own connections to what you're learning.

But, there are a few things I will share about my experience and tips for embarking on a journey like mine.

Find a reputable hypnotist.
I'm happy to share the name of mine if you email me. Ask for recommendations, research them, find out their background in terms of nutrition, weight loss, fitness and health in general. Find people who have seen him or her, see what their experience was like first. I talked to several people who had seen my hypnotist, and she had RAVE reviews. Even nurses and doctors sing her praises and she is well-known in the local medical community.

Have an open mind.
When I went for help, I was desperate. At 30 years old, 5'2 and 320 pounds, I didn't have much of a choice in the matter. I needed a big change, and I needed it now. I was willing to try anything to help me make the change I needed so badly. If someone told me that little gnomes would come into my room at night to take away the fat from my body, I'd be open to it - creeped out, but open. So, I was open to a discussion about tapping into the subconscious and letting someone into my mind. The woman who I went to see is not just a hypnotist, she's also a mentalist who communicates with our subconscious. Some of what she says seemed far-fetched to me, but whatever she does, however she does it, it worked. I'm a believer.

The experience of hypnosis.
Now, my experience may differ drastically from yours, particularly if you see a different hypnotist. But here are a few tid-bits from what I experienced. There was no couch for me to lay on, no watch swung in front of my face, no moments of being unaware of my surroundings. Forget all the stereotypical hypnotist descriptions on this one.

First off, meetings were group sessions, 20-25 of us in a room at once. We sat in a semi-circle around the hypnotist and she began educating us on nutrition and how our bodies process the foods we put in them. We learned about proteins, fats, sugars, carbs. We were asked for our free-will to make this program work.

You never really knew exactly when the hypnosis started, and you stayed fairly alert through the entire three-hour session. At times, I felt a bit groggy, but I intently listened to her and watched her - body language was a huge part of the subconscious cues we received. When I was under, I could see a bright aura around her, just her, no one else in the room. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who saw it either. It wasn't a huge light, just a small outline around her.

When the session ended, I remembered most of what she said, but let's be honest, you aren't going to remember everything you hear during a three-hour lecture period. She said that the cues she gives our subconscious would help us through the week leading up to the next session in the three-part series.

Be committed to the plan.
This was not a magic solution. We had to make the choice to abide by the rules she set and stick with it. We were told a specific way to eat and a few things to NOT do. For example, we are told to not weigh ourselves. If we must step on a scale, we must ask that we are not told the weight. After the first session, we were on our own for a week to implement the knowledge we received and alter our eating habits. The second session was a check-in and reinforcements of the first week, continuing on our journey and learning a bit more. Same for the third session. Free will remained a huge component to being successful on this plan.

Stay committed even after the sessions end.
Once we finished the three-week session, we were set to continue on our own until we reach our goals. For folks like me looking at a year or two to make that goal, being on my own with this plan seemed daunting. So, I took advantage of her tune-ups, follow-up sessions that serve as a refresher and to either keep us moving forward to get us back on track if we strayed. We were warned though, that free will still played a role and constantly coming in for tune-ups because we don't stick to the plan wouldn't work. Since July 2011, I have had two tune-ups, one in August and one in November. I've been doing rather well on my own, but plan on going back again in the next few months before the summer just to make sure I'm on the right track and prepared to turn my back on ice-cream season.

Advocate for yourself and involve a doctor.
It's important to be upfront with your doctor about what you're doing, and be upfront with your hypnotist about health issues what may affect your ability to be on a strict diet plan. You are your own advocate and you need to listen to your body. Remember that we are not medical professionals (unless you actually are) and should not diagnose ourselves. Use your doctor, hypnotist and any specialists you may need to consult (nutrition and fitness experts, therapists, cardiologists, etc.) as a team dedicated to improving your health and making you the best person possible.

A medical need

Growing up, it was only natural that I was curious about my biological background. Who do I look like? Where do I come from? My focus was always superficial. But when I hit my mid-twenties, I found myself facing some health issues. Then, my focus became medical. What health issues could be genetic? What should I be on the lookout for? No, biology isn't always a definite indicator of medical needs, but it can certainly help in preventative medicine and in diagnosing problems.

The information that I had was minimal at best. So, I set out in search of answers in an attempt to build a stronger knowledge base for my health when I was about 25 years old. I was already dealing with asthma and allergies, and around the age of 26, discovered that I suffered from high blood pressure and sleep apnea. I was also obese and struggling with mild depression.

My weight had been at the forefront of my mind for many years. As a child, I was chubby but in the cute way. As a teenager, it was no longer cute. Despite my playing soccer for three years in high school (not well, I won't deny it), and riding horses competitively, I always seemed to be about 20-30 pounds heavier than I should. College came and I stopped playing soccer; my skills were not even close to being on par for a college level team. I continued to ride, but it wasn't enough. Soon I was 40-50 pounds overweight. After my junior year of college, I cut my riding time in half, and joined the student newspaper. I spent more time at a computer than I did outside getting exercise. Our office was located in the campus center, right upstairs from the Cafe. Chef Jeff's famous cookies became a staple in my diet, as did chicken fingers and french fries. By the time I graduated, I wasn't riding at all. By the age of 21, I was closer to being 70 pounds overweight.

College ended and real life began. Commuting to work and a new desk job were exciting and I put all my time and energy into my position. A new position presented itself before my current one ended, so I balanced two jobs for a month. Working long hours, adjusting to a new situation, it was high stress and I opted for fast food over fresh food and rarely exercised.

The understatement of the year was that I didn't take care of myself. I'd go through a week or two here or there of eating right and exercising, but then I'd fall back to my old ways and settle for convenience options. Lazing on the couch was easier than running a mile, so I put my efforts into creating a permanent dent in my cushions instead of improving my health.

At the age of 25, I was about 130 pounds overweight, and I found myself needing emergency surgery. My poor diet and lack of exercise had caught up with me, among other things. A simple ultrasound in the morning turned into surgery within hours. My gallbladder was infected and my organs were on the verge of shutting down. I could have died, within a matter of days. That gave me a good shake, and I spent the next few months eating better and losing about 30 pounds.

Fast forward two years. I gained back those 30 pounds, plus another 10 or 20. One night, I walked out of my office and collapsed to the floor. I quickly picked myself up and looked around to see if anyone noticed. I had no idea why I fell. I didn't trip, I didn't remember being dizzy or woozy. I just fell. Chalk it up to being oblivious, I thought. Until I mentioned it to the school nurse, who promptly took my blood pressure. Through the roof.

The doctor cited that obviously my weight was a factor in my HBP. At this point in my life, I was nearly 150 pounds overweight, and extremely unhealthy. Regardless of this glaring factor in my illness, my doctor wanted to know more about my medical history, as did I.

The definition of REAL

If you read my blog yesterday, you know that I ended rather vaguely. A conversation with students has uncovered the fact that the other woman at our school who shares my last name of Jagodowski is, in fact, my sister. We have also discovered that we do not look alike because we are not biologically related. We were not adopted from an exotic country, rather right here in Massachusetts. I am older by five years.

The last question I was asked by a student was, "So, she's not your REAL sister?" My response? She is absolutely my REAL sister.

What is real? Merriam Webster offers several definitions, one of which suits my situation perfectly:

• "not artificial, fraudulent, or illusory : genuine <real gold>; also : being precisely what the name implies <a real professional>"

There is nothing fraudulent or illusory about our relationship. We are two girls, raised by the same parents. We are sisters. Merriam Webster's definition of sister does not state that biology is part of this classification either. 


I know that not everyone agrees with me on this classification of a real sibling or real parent, but to me, real is about more than common DNA when it comes to family. 

In my heart, I always knew that I am where I am supposed to be in life. I am meant to be a part of this family, have Lindsay as my sister and be living the life that I am. I am a firm believer in fate and intentional paths in life, even if we aren't sure where we are headed exactly. That doesn't mean I haven't wondered about this other side to my life, the fact that I was put up for adoption and that somewhere out there are people who I mostly likely resemble physically. 

There's no denying that I have always been curious about my background, and in my mid-twenties I embarked on a search for answers about where I came from, who I was biologically related to and, at the same time, get some practical information like a medical history. 

What I found in this journey was more than I expected ... 

What are the chances?

I work in education, and one of the reasons I chose this career path was to be around children. They make me smile every day thanks to their humor, amazement, confusion, surprise and ability to make me feel like a rock star despite having no extraordinary talents that warrant celebrity status.

One thing that has made me "famous" at my school is the fact that my sister also works here. I'm amazed by how many students cannot put two and two together and figure out that we are sisters. We are both single, so still go by our oh-so-common Polish last name of Jagodowski. What are the chances of having two people with the last name of Jagodowski at the same school? Rather slim, so chances are, we're related. There are a select few students who immediately get it and don't need to be told we're sisters. And a few of them think we're twins. But the majority don't realize we are related.

"Wait, you're sisters? Really?"

Once they discover that we are, in fact, sisters, the students start searching for physical similarities. We both have brown hair, that's an easy one. But the similarities seem to end there. We have different color eyes. She is tall and thin, I'm short and ... not thin. She's all legs, I look like a weeble. Our noses are drastically different. Our face shapes are not even close. Our hands are different, so are our smiles. We don't wear the same size clothes or even the same size shoes. We don't even have the same styles in clothing. Beyond the brown hair, there aren't many similarities. Yet, students will search for ways in which we might resemble each other.

After a few minutes of their attempts to find similarities, I'll drop a bomb on them. You're right, we don't look alike. In fact, we aren't supposed to look alike. We're adopted.

"Adopted?" Wide eyes and open mouths usually follow. This is my favorite part, answering the questions about adoption. Inevitability, the first question is if we were adopted together as sisters. No, we are not biologically related. Where were we adopted from? There's typically some disappointment to discover we aren't from an exotic country, and some intrigue by the fact that we each were born within 30 minutes of where we grew up.

"So, who is older?" This one stumps them often. Typically, in a group of six or so students, they are divided fairly evenly on who is older, with a few comments of we have to be close to each other in age if we aren't twins. I'd say that on average, 55% of them guess that my sister is older. One of the reasons, I'm told, is because she wears high heels which children tend to associate with adults. Me? Flat boots, funky colored retro Born kicks and Crocs tend to round out my shoe collection. I'm a comfort over fashion type. I love the wide eyes and, "I knew it!" side comments that come when I finally announce that I'm older. They are even more amazed by the fact that I'm five years older. I guess I'm doing well for my age!

At this point, there is usually one student who asks me, "So, she's not your REAL sister?"

To which I always respond, she is absolutely my real sister ...